Thursday, March 04, 2010 11:51 PM
I'm afraid. Afraid that my dad might be in mid-life crisis depression, afraid that me and him may not talk without hatred anymore. Maybe all will be well when I wake up tmr. Cos seriously, that's how my family works. We don't get angry with each other for long. Just that this time I think it'll take a little longer.
I had a heart to heart talk with my mum. I cried my heart out even though it was over MSN. I was really pissed with my dad, for wrecking my already messy room and forcing me to clean it up after he wrecked it. I might have been injured, I might have died. He used a hanger and slammed continuously on my table. Swept things off my table. Bobbi pins showered over me and if he slammed further, the tailoring shears (if that's what it's called. the big heavy scissors used to cut cloth) might have stabbed me.
I told my mum I was sorry that I would leave the house the moment I'm financially independent. I told her that I won't listen to my dad cos saying and doing things are two different things. He shouted at me, telling me to do this and do that, all to his bidding. Yes, it comes from goodwill but that's not how to do it. Plus, you can't force people into doing things. One last point, I don't have much respect for him. I respect him as my father but I won't respect the things he 'advices' me to do. E.g. Telling me to study hard while he isn't even trying hard enough to find a job.
I can't really rmb what he was shouting about cos I wasn't listening to him. Anyway, I know I sleep too much, I don't need him to tell me that. He's just telling me things I already know. But hey, at least I spend the time I'm awake sewing stuff which I can sell and checking up the web for preorders I can hold. Sure, thanks for doing the housework but housework can easily be split up among the family. You can still go out to work.
Oh, btw, he was slamming on my table cos I refused to go to lunch with him. I mean, who would wanna go with such a dangerous man? I told him I would settle lunch myself but he still forced me to. To protect myself from being murdered, I gave in. While I was changing, he went downstairs already. And just when I was about to go out, he called home and in a very irritated tone, he said, "What's going on?!" Like as if I wanted to stay at home and refuse to go out. Wtf. But actually I was secretly planning to run away to my grandma's house but he was staring at the stairwell so I had no place to escape.
Okay so I was really pissed and even broke down after he made that call before going down. When we got home, I closed my door and without respecting my privacy, he would just open the door and order me to clean my room. Seriously, ever heard of knocking? Ever know why I would close the door? So after he barged into my room 2-3 times, I locked it. He attempted to knock the door in a manner like he wanted to murder me but I refused to give in so he gave up after a few knocks.
Everything cooled down when my mum came home from work. My dad doesn't dare to do anything to us when my mum is around. Most probably cos he thinks that he 'owe's my mum as she is the only one bringing income to the family. You see, what kind of able-bodied man leeches off their wife and beats his children up? Okay not exactly beat us up but torture us mentally. He thinks that shouting and being violent would make us do his bidding. But it's actually cos we don't want to get ourselves killed.
Now the main point. I myself cooled down after my mum told me over MSN (which was during the period I hid in my room) that my dad might be suffering from mid-life crisis depression or some sort. Which is why my mum isn't pushing my dad so hard to get a job. Well, if he really has depression, he should go to a psychiatrist... Just throw the manly pride and go get yourself cured. I don't exactly blame him for getting depression... I have to admit, I can talk to my mum better than I can talk to my dad. Actually I can't even communicate with him properly. He only has 1 close friend who is often overseas. He stays at home most of the time. It's no wonder he gets depression. He has no one to confide to. He has nothing to occupy his mind other than housework. He is... lonely.
Yes, I feel guilty for not doing my part of a daughter in giving him family warmth. I still talk and laugh with him, my family still play games like monopoly together, but there's that closeness missing. We aren't as close as what daughter and father should be. But hey, he isn't doing things which can make things better. Screaming, shouting, being violent won't let me open up more to him.
What should I do? Don't tell me to send him to the psychiatrist cos I'm already suggesting that to my mum. I just feel lost and helpless. All I can do is cry and self-comfort myself in my misery.
Lol, looking on the bright side, things really aren't that BAD. Just that I had to let it off my mind so I kinda exaggerated a little. Esp the killing parts. ^^''
If you read till here, kudos to you for reading the whole chunk of crap. If you wanna advice me sth, I advice you to think twice first cos 1) You don't know my family, 2) Family issues are sensitive to me.
May all be well when I open my eyes in hours to come.
雀です。