Saturday, March 05, 2011 1:09 AM
EXAMS ARE OVER. :D
Had an awesome day with mahjong with CSC in the morning & class BBQ outing in the evening. (: Although I'm feeling kinda tired from all the fun today and crying when I received news of Wander girl going to put to sleep, I suddenly had this urge to blog about what has been driving me crazy recently.
The following is my honest opinions. If you think I'm a total bitch, you could totally unfriend me.
I would say, if I continue thinking any further, I could probably break down anytime and go mad. And I'm serious.
Have you ever felt like you tried making things right but you just don't feel the other party making enough effort? Is it because I did not try hard enough? Everytime I try extra hard, things seem to be alright. The thing is, it's not the real me. I try hard with a ask over my face and it seem to make things right. And one day, just one day when I just want a break from the facade, everything just crumbles again.
The worst thing is, you don't seem to feel like the other party is even trying. So I stopped caring. I just stopped. But it didn't mean I stopped thinking. It haunts be every day and night, even during the exam period. I was on the urge of losing my sanity. Maybe she's trying and maybe she also got sick of trying, who knows? When things started going wrong in the beginning, I was the one who talked to her and things were alright for awhile. Then when it went wrong again, nothing was done. Sure, I asked for advise, and she did too. But... Nothing was done. Like there was no heart to heart talk. We were trying to fix something while we do not know the root of the problem. It's like a blind man trying to fix a puzzle.
Anyway, the main point is, when I stopped caring, for a period of time I was waiting for her to perhaps do something about it. It's not like we excluded her for anything, but it always seem like she isn't there. When we're together in a clique, she just emos. I don't see her trying to bond with the clique when she told me she will try to. So what, am I supposed to do everything for her?
How can you help a person who isn't trying to help herself? Maybe she is - but I don't see/feel it. Wallowing is self-pity is something I hate about people.
I'm still not gonna be the first one to do anything. Maybe she thinks I'm the root of the problem that's why she's not doing anything about it. Maybe. I'm not saying I'm not. But I hate it when people blame stuff on me and expect me to do something about it. As childish as it sounds, why can't she do something about it instead? It's not a problem between me and her anymore, it's between the clique too.
Tbh, I'm enjoying the fact that we are both not doing anything about it. I feel less stressed about it. Other than the fact that concerned people keep asking about the problem, I feel less pressure. But it doesn't mean it doesn't haunt me everyday... Just, lesser.
No point helping someone who isn't helping oneself.
雀です。